Sunday, September 25, 2011


The Ritual Scraping of the Face is a serious problem for men.  If you soak your beard stubble enough to soften it, then your skin is too mushy and gets cut alot.

 If you don't soak the stubble, then you have to press harder to cut the beard hairs, and you get cut alot.

 If you use the sharpest blade possible, you get cut alot.

 If you use gimmicks like five blades that pull the hairs AND skin upward for cutting closer to the root, you get cut alot.

 If you use an electric razor with or without chemical to make hairs stand up, you have to cram it over your face so much and so hard, you get electric razor burn, removing too much of your skin layer.

Your beard grows in all different directions, requiring long years of practice to know just which way to stroke the razor blade over which spot of face, while holding a wet soapy slippery razor handle, and usually hurrying behind schedule.

Modern razors do not lend themselves to allowing the cut hairs mixed with quick setting concrete shaving cream or gel to be rinsed out of the razor head, unless you use a blast of super hot water, and this heats the blade, amplifying the cuts.

If you're black, the close shaving blades cut the hair right at the skin, the stubble is razor sharp and curled, it digs downward into the hair follicle and creates "razor bumps" or folliculitis barbae, coiled embedded hairs in infected pockets of skin, so you have to use "wavy" razor blades called bump fighters.

If your razor is too dull, it pinches up your skin and cuts it bad.

If you emerge from the bathroom with anything less than a baby butt smooth whisker zone, the person you usually want to kiss avoids you like the plague, commenting loudly, disparaging your shaving ability.  If you are smooth but cut all over, then comments are made about butchering yourself, don't you know what you're doing, etc.

If you are unlucky enough to have facial hair that grows quickly, you get a five o'clock p.m. "shadow", or beard stubble long enough to sandpaper the face off your loved one when you get home.  If you plan on any kissing that night, or going out etc., you have to shave a SECOND time that day, another situation fraught with it's own deadly perils.

Men's facial hair is stronger than copper wire of the same diameter.  Imagine trying to shave off copper wires with your pitiful razor.  After one stroke, it's dull.  After shaving around your mouth, you might as well be using a butter knife.

Is it any wonder men will buy vibrating six blade electric light sabers with lubricating strips and medicated strips for a hundred bucks or more just trying to get a good shave? 

If you are a significant other, do NOT "borrow" your man's razor and use it and put it back without fessing up first, and without leaving them with a new pristine blade to use.  If you read this rant then you know why it drives men INSANE and produces a knock down drag out fight if you use their razor because it's better than yours, or you forgot to buy one.    And NO, men CANNOT use depilatory cream on their FACE, it's too harsh.  A few men have resorted to having their beard hairs electrocuted one by one and killed permanently,i very painful I understand.

In the final chapter of EVERYONE's lives, men, women, children, if your body is to be viewed at a funeral, embalmed and makeup put on to make the corpse look natural, the undertaker shaves all corpses, male or female, first.  Because even peach fuzz can make the funeral makeup clump up and look unnatural.  Just wanted to end on a upbeat note.

Why to men shave?   Because women say that being kissed by a beard is like being rubbed with a fuller brush, or steel wool, and it takes the skin right off THEIR faces.  So there we are.  I'm sure there are other reasons, social, psychological, unbringing, the way it feels.  Even gay guys sometimes don't like their hubby to have a beard.
I welcome your own observations.

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